I can't take my dog down to the local pond anymore, because the ducks keep attacking him. It's my fault for choosing a pure bread dog.

Our dog brings us the newspaper every day. Funny thing is, we have never subscribed to any!

What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler? Whatever you want, but do it silently.

What is the best way to stop your dog from barking in the front yard? Put him in the backyard.

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

What is a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin'!

Whenever I take my dog to the park, the ducks always try to bite him. I guess it makes sense, since he's pure bread.

When you cross an aggressive dog with a computer, what do you get? A lot of bites.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A cat-tastrophe.

Why do dogs love smartphones? Because they have collar IDs.

What dog breed do scientists love? Labs.

What do you call a dog with a lot of energy? A "canine"-ball of excitement!



What is your dog's favorite band? My dog's favorite bands are The Beagles and The Rolling Bone.

When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get? A lot of trouble with a postman.

What do puppies and pages of a book have in common? They are both dog-eared.

How many hairs are in a dog's tail? None! They are all on the outside.

What is an old dog called? Grand-paw.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a lion? You are not going to get any mail, that's for sure.

What happens when a dog loses its tail? It goes to a retail store to buy a new one.

What did the man name his two watchdogs? Rolex and Timex.

What trick does a dog do on Halloween? Play dead.

What is a dog's favorite game? "Fetch" – it's always a "ball" of fun!

What does a dog that finishes obedience school get? A pet-degree.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it is like having a pet dog except.. The bark is much quieter.

What do you call a dog that can not bark? A hushpuppy.

Why wouldn't the dog go to the market with their owner? Because it was a flea market.

How does a dog train fleas? From scratch.



What is your dog's favorite Pink Floyd album? "The Bark Side of the Moon."

What was the sale this week at the pet store? Buy one dog, get one flea!

Why did the man living in Alaska name his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.

Why are dogs terrible dancers? Because they have two left feet.

Why do dogs tend to run in circles? Because it's really hard to run in squares.

What do dogs get after they graduate from obedience school? Their masters.

Why are dogs terrible dancers? Because they have two left feet.

How do you know if you have a slow dog? It chases parked cars.

What is a puppy surrounded by a stereo system called? A subwoofer.

Why do dogs bury their bones in the ground? Because they can not be buried in trees!

What did Darth Vader's dog say to Luke's dog? Come on! Join the bark side!

What did one flea say to the other? Should we walk, or just take the dog?



What could be worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.

The secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can not play with it, eat it or bury it, just pee on it and walk away.

What did the police officer do when he saw a dog giving birth on the side of the road? He gave her a ticket for littering.

What do you call a wild dog that meditates? Aware wolf.

What would happen if you crossed a dog and a cheetah? You'd get a dog that chased after cars but was actually fast enough to catch them!

What do dogs owned by chemists do with their bones? They barium.

What do dogs do when they need to take a bathroom break during a movie? They press the paws button.

When you cross a Rottweiler with a hyena, what do you get? I'm not sure, but if it begins laughing, I'm going to join in.

When you put oil on a racing dog, what do you get? Grease Lightning

Why are dogs' barks so loud? They have built-in sub-woofers.

What do dogs usually like to eat at the movie theater? Pupcorn.



Why did the officer issue a ticket to the dog who gave birth on the side of the road? Because she was littering.

When you cross a Sheepdog with jelly, what do you get? The Collie wobbles.

Where does a Labrador's food go before it can be sold in stores? To the lab for testing.

How can you get a dog in the back seat to quit barking while you are driving? Invite him to sit up front and bark there instead.

Why are not Corgi jokes funny? All of them are really short.

What do you call a wild dog that meditates alone? An aware wolf.

When the dog sat on sandpaper, what did he say? Ruff! Ruff!

What did the one dog say to the other before they enjoyed their bones? Bon appetite!

What is a deadly creature that looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and consumes dog food? A dog with a machete.

What is the most popular dog breed among magicians? The labracadabrador.

What is a dog's favorite kind of pizza? Pupperoni pizza.

What should you do if your dog eats your pencil? Use a pen instead.

What is louder than a barking dog? Two barking dogs.

What do you call a dog that is playing outdoors in winter? A chili dog.

What is a dog's ultimate comfort food? Anything that is on your plate.

What do you get a dog for its birthday? Pupcakes!

What career are dogs best suited for? Barkeology.

What is Dracula's favorite breed of dog? A bloodhound!



What type of dog is constantly aware of the time? A watchdog.

What dog breed loves city living? The New Yorkie.

What month do dogs bark the least? February because it is the shortest.

What kind of dog should you get if you are always late? A watchdog!

What is a dog's favorite position to play in football? Golden receiver.

Why are skeletons afraid of dogs? Because dogs love bones.

Where do dogs park their car? In the barking lot.

What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away? "Well, doggone."

What does a dog say to apologize? "Please fur-give me."

Why did the dog stay out of the sun? So he wouldn't be a hot dog.

What did the small dog say to their crush? "You are the Corg-key to my heart."

Why did the dog do so well in school? He was the teacher's pet.

What dog breed knows how to use a phone? Dial-matians.

What do dogs drink in the morning? Earl Greyhound tea.



What are young dogs playing in the snow called? Slush puppies.

What did the dog say to its teacher when it forgot its homework? "My human ate my homework."

Who is the greatest dog detective that ever lived? Sherlock Bones.

Who is the most famous doggy magician in history? Houndini.

Why did the two-legged dog come to an abrupt halt? It had two paws.

What happens if you cross a dog with a phone? A Golden Receiver.

What fashion magazine do dogs like to read? "Vanity Fur."

What kind of dog consumes food with its ears? All of them! I have not seen a single dog remove their ears before digging in.

My friend says her dog will retrieve a ball over a mile away, but that sounds far-fetched to me.

I tried to trick my dog into eating a healthy snack, but he did not bite.

What playwright is a dog's favorite? William Shakespaw.

When is a black dog not considered black? When he is a Greyhound.

What kind of car does a dog drive? A Fur-rari.

What did the dog say when he left his friends at the park? "I'll Collie you later."

Why did the boy name his dog Ten Miles? So he could tell his gym teacher he walked Ten Miles every day.

Why are conjunctions dogs' favorite parts of speech? Dogs love buts.

What could be more incredible than a talking dog? A spelling bee.



Dogs are terrible with boundaries - instead of standing up for themselves, they just roll over.

What's the difference between dogs and marine biologists? Dogs wag their tails, and marine biologists tag their whales.

I refuse to take my dog on road trips anymore. He can be such a bark seat driver.

What is a dog's favorite type of workout? Pawlates!

What happens when a dog swallows a firefly? They smile with de-light.

Why would people be shocked to see a dog driving a car? They have never seen a dog park before.

What's a dog's favorite kind of store? A re-tail store.

What time is it when 10 dogs are chasing a cat? 10 after 1.

How can you make a dog disappear? Use spot remover.

In this race, the Weiner takes it all.



How do you spell dog backward? D-O-G-B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D.

What movie do dogs love watching? "Jurassic Bark."

What is a dog's favorite breakfast? Wooffles.

What does a zombie say to his dog? "Go flesh."

What is a dog's favorite thing to drink during the fall? A Pug-kin spice latte.

What is the difference between a man and a dog? A man wears trousers, a dog pants.

What do you call it when a stressed dog goes shopping? Re-tail therapy.

My dad adopted a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as he got home, he made a bolt for the door.

When the dog went to the flea circus, what happened? He stole the show.

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How would you describe your dog's physique? Is he fat? My dog's not fat. He's just a little husky.

What breed of dog can jump higher than a building? All breeds can, since buildings can't jump!

When you cross a Sheepdog with a rose, what do you get? A Collie.

How did the dog get from Boston to New York? He took a Greyhound.

When you cross a frog with a dog, what do you get? A Croaker Spaniel.

What breed of dog goes after anything that is red? A Bulldog.

What kind of dog likes taking a bath? A shampoodle.

What is a Pug's favorite fall beverage? Pug-kin spice latte.



How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello? "Konichihuahua."

What kind of dogs would never throw things away? Hoarder Collies.

What do you get when crossing a large boat with a small dog? A Ship Tzu.

What happens if you connect a Corgi to a battery? You will get a short circuit.

Why did the Dachshund want to sit in the shade? Because it was a hot dog.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long, little doggy!

Which dog breed loves living in the Big Apple? A New Yorkie.

Why do puppies leave junk everywhere? They are used to being part of a litter.

Why are not Corgi jokes funny? All of them are really short.

What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a Rooster? Cocker-Poodle-Doo.

My dog is not fat, he is just a little Husky.



How should one react to mistakes instead of getting upset about them? Mistakes happen. No need to terrier-self up about it.

What breed of dog tells off-colour jokes? A smutt.

What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone? A golden receiver.

Why won't Dalmatians play hide-and-seek? Because they are always spotted.

Why are there no losers in a Dachshund race? They are all weiners.

Why are border collies such good listeners? Because you can tell they really herd you.

What did the Dalmatian say when he finished dinner? That hit the spot.

What type of zoo has only one dog? A Shih Tzu.

Retriever? I hardly know her.

He is Great Dane-gerous.

Do not stop retrieving, hold on to that feline!



Why did not the dog want to play football? It was a Boxer.

What kind of dog never throws anything away? A hoarder collie.

What was the little Scottish dog's reaction when he first saw the Loch Ness Monster? He was Terrier-fied.

What kind of dog wears contact lenses? A cock-eyed spaniel.

What kind of dog comes from Asgard and wields a mighty hammer? A labrathor

What do you get when crossing a dog with a plane? A Jet Setter.

What's a herding dog's favorite game? Hide and sheep.

What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A dusky husky.

When you cross a Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle, and a Rooster, what do you get? A Cockerpoodledoo!

You are such a mal-tease.

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Why do dogs float? Because they are good buoys!

Why should you be careful when it rains cats and dogs? Because you might step in a poodle.

What trees are dogs most afraid of? Redwoods, they have the biggest bark.

What kinds of outdoor markets do dogs despise? Flea markets.

What kind of dog likes taking a bath every day? A shampoo-dle.

What do dogs eat for breakfast? Pooched eggs.



Why did the family take their dog to the watchmaker? It had ticks!

What do a call a dog that sneezes? A-choo-wawa.

Howl you doin'?

Don't go bacon my heart.

Anything is paws-ible.

What is the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs? A doggy roverdose.

Why did the dog go to grad school? To become a bark-chitect.

That fancy dog was quite pawsh.



What's a dog's favorite instrument? The "trom-bone", it is got that low "woof" sound!

You are looking fetching today.

How do dogs pay for their shopping? They scan the bark codes.

Where should you go if your dog is missing? The lost and hound.

These puns are paw-ful.

I'm the ulti-mutt dog lover!

Urine my heart forever.

No pupperazzi, please.

I forgot to feed my dog on time and he hounded me about it all day.

I've never pet a dog I did not like.

He won't bring the ball back. He says it's too far-fetched.

You are my pup of tea.

Where is the paw-ty at?



Thanks fur everything.

Happy bark-day!

Let me paw you a drink.

I love you, fur real.

I chews you!

Let's raise the woof.

I'm mutts about you!

Happy birthday to my best fur-end!

You deserve a round of ap-paws!

Let's have a ball!

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